HOW THE FEMININE GETS HURT & THE MASCULINE GETS CRUSHED
Updated: Apr 24
Few years ago I became a big fan of Alison Armstrong,
the relationship coach who dedicated her whole career to explaining and embracing the differences between men and women, the Feminine and the Masculine.
I think the communication tools she offers are brilliant.
One of them is: understanding how differently men and women can react, when one of the partners said or did something that another side interpreted as "not caring"...
The Feminine experience in those situations can usually be described as: “my feelings got hurt”.
The Masculine experience can be described as feeling “disrespected, disregarded, blown off, or crushed”
From the first sign, it is similar. But it is not!
Feminine cares more about attraction and love.
Masculine is more concerned with competency and respect.
Therefore, there are TWO different ways to recover after a heated argument!
Here is how.
HEALING THE FEMININE
Women - the first thing you should do when your feelings get hurt is to let your man know it happened! Yes, it is our responsibility to say it, not our partners to guess!
Alison recommends developing a special “language” with your partner, that would leave no doubt about what just happened. Such as saying “Ouch” (or any other word that you agree on)
Second – man needs to immediately say these words: “I am sorry I hurt your feelings!”
Nothing else, nothing more. Say those exact words, and - wait. Never say: "I am sorry your feelings got hurt." Use the "I" pronoun. Remember, this is not an admission of your wrongdoing. It is simply an acknowledgement of the fact, that your actions or words caused her some hurt.
Important – do not touch your women just yet. Not until she reaches out to you. Listen for a deep intake of breath. If you don’t hear her breathing deeply, try saying those words again. Be ready to listen, as past hurts that weren’t ever resolved may bubble up at that moment. Be patient. Stay calm. Do not take it personally. It’s only when and if she exhales deeply, maybe starts crying and reaches out to you, you can finally hold her. Keep holding or touching her until she stops touching you.
And finally, do not initiate any rational conversation right away after the incident. Give it a time!
HEALING THE MASCULINE
Man - say the word that indicates the breakdown in communication (It can be “Ouch”, or something else)
Woman - listen to him for the exact words that describe his experience. Most likely it will be: I feel disrespected/ disregarded / you were disloyal to me/blew me off/ wasted my time or energy.
Say “I’m sorry I disrespected you/ disregarded you…… (use his exact words)
Never say: "I am sorry you feel disrespected." Use the "I" pronoun. Remember, this is not an admission of your wrongdoing. It is simply an acknowledgement of the fact, that your actions or words caused him feeling a certain way. Mean it!
When done, have a discussion, and make a plan, if necessary, to prevent it from happening again.